I wrote this in the summer of 2015 and I don't know why I never posted it as it’s at least 14k GOLD! It's also awesome to see how much I’ve grown, how much has changed and how much has stayed the same since then aka I used to say "YAS QUEEN!" and now I say "YAAAS KWEEEEEN!" That, and my entire thought + mind* process has evolved thanks to mindful meditation. I don't wish heartbreak on anyone but I hope this guide comes as helpful to those in need. <3
I’ve legit probably had around 200 crushes in my lifetime. I love learning about other people’s lives; their interests, thoughts, hopes, dreams, style, favorites, etc. It’s a wonderful gift to get to know someone, be inspired by them, and see the world through someone else’s eyes. The thing about me and crushes is that they don’t typically stick too long. Usually a week or a month or two TOPS (cute barista /musician types that you see everyday; the charming guy who knows your lunch order by heart- the ones I see on the regular get a little more daydream time than others.)
Crushes can be fun, but actually finding someone I want to date? That's a rare find for me. In the words of Cher Horowitz “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet!” I always joke my boyfriend of the last decade has been my résumé. I am super proud of all the work I’ve done, but people, I still have some things I want to accomplish with my career, Beyoncé wasn’t built in a day and either is the Tessie empire! So, when someone actually makes it past the crush stage into the seriously want to date them stage (aka they have captured me and are taking some time away from my empire planning time) it’s a BIG DEAL! When the big deal doesn’t work out- well that's when shit hits the fan in the heart department. We’ve all been there, think about all the movies and songs written about heartbreak. It blows, it’s not fun. When heartbreak happens, I half want to numb myself for a few days, half want to scream my head off because quite honestly, I’m annoyed another person has pretty much taken control of my mind*…EW. Why can’t gym motivation play the role in my mind that heartbreak plays?
The real talk of the situation is of course, time heals. I’m a hustler so anything I can do to speed up any process is worthwhile for me. I have a friggen' routine I would love to share in hopes it will perhaps help a lonely heart pull through. At the very least, let it be a helpful guide for those around me as to when/what to deliver to my door when I am in the midst of the get over the “fool” routine.
Tips on dealing with heartbreak:
Phase One aka the initial shock / break of the heart.
I call this the numb phase because I just want to be numbed and wish I could just move on in a snap and bypass this entire awful feeling, but I can’t. I lay some ground rules for myself and then start “the hibernation.”
Phase one ground rules-
First things first- NO SOCIAL MEDIA!! I mean it, log off/deactivate if you have to. Nothing good comes from lurking- NOTHING. Suddenly a photo with your former flame’s probably second cousin is their new fiancé in your brain. It’s straight highway to the danger zone status and you ain't got time for it. You know your heart, strength, and mind better than anyone so stay off as many days as needed but seriously, stay off at least during phase one- however long that is for you. Also, save the "hot" selfies and new profile pics until after phase one and probably phase two. Pictures don’t lie and you gotta wait until you are back to your fine, fabulous self before posting!
Second, only tell a select group of people about your feelings and what you are going through. I love my social circle, but I have a rule in regards to guys / other “important” things going on in my life where I can only tell three people what’s going on. Think about it, the more people you tell, the more times you have to relive what happened and that’s just negative and no bueno. You can let other people know when the time is right or they will just catch on, but right now, keep the situation between your top loved ones only.
The hibernation period stays in phase one only and because obviously I loathe this awful feeling. I try to let myself mope and be bummed for only a certain amount of time (every situation is different so hibernate for as long as you need to but also remember the great big world outside filled with people who love you and want to see you!) The hibernation period includes laying in bed, trying to get a few (or a shit ton) of tears out, rotating between comforting favorites like Arrested Development and The Mindy Project, texting the select few who know about the situation thanking them for their encouragement and asking them for needed prayers, trying to force myself to eat something (phase one / hibernation period usually only consists of staples like ginger ale and saltine crackers because fool broke my heart and now my stomach is in knots. Props to anyone that can eat during this phase because we all know how important nutrition and hydration is.) Speaking of hydration, I’m not a big drinker and personally don’t understand adding a chemical depressant to the mix of this already bummed out mood, so I don’t suggest resorting to alcohol.
Fresh air is critical to phase one. Sometimes it takes every thing in me but I do my darnedest to get out and go on a walk (with sunglasses in case tears start to flow.) The soundtrack on the walk is essential (ie: How can you mend a broken heart by Al Green, Numb by U2, Extraordinary by Liz Phair, What about us by Brandy to name very few.) While we are discussing music, making it a rule to not attach another human to a song I love has been revolutionary in my life. Don’t even get me started on high school Tess “Omg this song reminds me of what’s his name!” NOPE. No attachments to songs, not on my “banger” playlist (watch this now.) Back to fresh air being critical to phase one, if you can’t walk it out, maybe just open a window, almost the same thing as a walk.
Phase two aka the meeeeh doing okay phase.
You’ve gotten tears out, you’ve breathed fresh air, got comforted by your favorite hero or heroine via film or television, and honestly, now you probably have to legit go work at your job. I’m honestly pretty grateful when I have to work, because staying busy is a wonderful distraction (remember, don’t go telling everyone at work, only your exclusive selects.) If the person who caused the heartache works with you, good! All the more reason to show your strength and look hot as f.
Phase two ground rules:
First, dress up a little more than usual. Don’t completely change your look (wait at least three days to a week before changing your hair color) and don't completely overdress. Just remember you are an ab. fab. person and putting some effort into your look is going to help you to radiate, ok? Duh! You gotta lay the groundwork for the “your best self” period.
Second, commit to making fun plans (again, don’t over do it and exhaust yourself) Go to a new restaurant with mom or a dear friend, sign up for a super sweet class, get glam with the gals and dance till dawn. Of course, leaving the house /going out and about creates a risk of running into you know who but that’s not likely and even if you do, so what? It’s cool brah, you’re in phase two, on the way up!! If you’re just not feeling getting out there and being social, no worries, maybe reaching out to your BFF and having a classic night in is just what you need. Take out, favorite movies, face masks, prank calls (not to the heartbreaker), so fun!!
Your Best Self period.
This is it, pure and utter dedication to your glorious self. I’m like 50% this title is taken from a Joel Osteen book, which makes it all the more perfect. We can’t control other people and their lack of taste (how dare they not want to date you?) but we can control ourselves and what we do with our time. I’m talking major home spa sessions, getting on track with your diet and work out regimen (graduated playlist selections for my phase two period include: On to the next one by Jay-Z, I’m really hot by Missy, I’m good by Blaque, Boyz by MIA to remind me there are more fish in the friggen’ sea, to name very few.) Get a fresh perspective in your world by cleaning out your closet and house (the less clutter the better I swear.) Volunteer at a non-profit you are interested in or haven’t helped out with in awhile, and if you are a spiritual person, make it a point to attend church services and dedicate time to Bible reading. This is the phase where bless my heart, I start praying and sending good thoughts to the “fool”, asking God to bless them. It takes some time for me to get to this point but when I do, it’s actually pretty healing. All these things will help fulfill you and help you to shine/get on with your bad self.
Your best self period is also about making some personal and work goals and succeeding at them. I’m pretty sure it’s been proven that the world’s most successful people have well written and planned out goals they attain. Don’t ask me to find the inspirational Instagram post or article proving this, because I don’t want to. It’s just been proven somewhere, okay? ;) Get in the habit of doing five things to enhance your career everyday. The five things can be anything from reading an article about your industry, reaching out to a new contact to build your network, setting up a meeting with a mentor, bringing fresh fruit or coffee to a morning meeting to help get yourself and others through the meeting, you get the idea. I got this advice from my friend Claire, who is a phenom relator and I am personally loving her five things per day philosphy! The hustle is real!
I don’t mean to sound all Taylor Swift, but I can link every serious crush that didn’t work out to wonderful career opportunities, amazing hair changes, and out of state moves that were so necessary and life changing. Try to give yourself a little more credit, it’s not like these fools are the only thing motivating you to do the awesome things you already do and want to do! Girl, you are the only thing stopping yourself from your dreams so get to work, b*tch!!
Phase three aka back on track & feeling fly / almost ready to joke about the whole thing.
Uh, welcome to the best phase- the one where you are dominating and ready to take an uber hot selfie to post and share with the world. Now, now, don’t get over confident and do something foolish like lurking, you’re good but lurking ain’t so don’t. No setbacks in phase three! Phase three is powerful because you are most likely thinking “What was I thinking?!" YAS QUEEN!!!
Phase three ground rules:
First, no setbacks. Okay, of course we all have setbacks and we need to give ourselves grace, but let’s try real hard to have zero to as little setbacks as possible. You’re in control of your actions so keep up that fancy “your best self” attitude and determinations. You’re strong so be a light for others and don’t compare yourself to them- especially the girl your former ends up actually dating. She’s probably not as fabulous as you ;) but she’s a woman and let’s be real we all could use a little more support and encouragement. I mean, don’t become BFFs with the girl, but if / when you run into her, respect and kindness is a winning combo.
Second, put yourself out there a little. I’m the last person who ever wants to go on a date (seriously, the last person) but there is no harm in a movie or hangout with someone who asks (“Are you hitting on me? Yes? YESSSS!”) At the very least maybe start flirting with a cute barista (someone has to start the new crush phase for crying out loud!)
The new crush period.
Okay, it had to happen at some point, so just roll with it and own it when a new crush sparks. It might not work out, but it also might work out. People, I don’t know the statistics, but I do know that now you have this helpful long ass guide on how to get you through what doesn't work out in three proven (proven by me, duh) phases. Nothing to lose, let’s do it all again! When in doubt just remember Elle Woods followed Warner to Harvard and ended up with Emmett in Legally Blonde so we good...